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23 Feb' 20

February 23, 2020

When Christmas has come and gone; when we've had our time off and enjoyed friends and family; celebrated the New Year and manifested great new beginnings, the true essence of winter sets it. Winter is a time of reflection and restoration, across the board we see natural happenings like migration and hibernation and a true change in behaviour. Mother nature knows winter is tough and she has taught her children to handle it well. All children, except humans - it seems. We don't change our general behaviours and we still work the same lengthy hours we do in the summertime even though our energy levels are depleted. 


I have struggled in the winter time with my mental health for many years now and i'm trying my best to adapt in the ways I think I should, like sleeping and eating more, taking vitamins, keeping warm, it all sounds very basic, but it protects my physical health and my immune system.


Emotional protection however is damn near impossible. Through fall outs at work, my Granny passing away and me struggling to grieve and my dad going into hospital I've reached that air of numbness. I'm at my "what is the point?" stage. It's quite easy to pick out my tell signs looking back.. not cleaning around the house, not eating meals, taking more naps, getting anxious in the mornings, general lack of energy.. and yet I ignore every single one until I get to this point. 


I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this post, or if I will even post it, but I'm trying to process and regulate my emotions. How do you do that? What can you do for yourself to help? 


I'm feeling very low and very disconnected from those around me and I have nothing to say. I say I'm fine because it's much easier than saying I'm not okay but I can't really tell you why. People don't REALLY care when they ask you that question anyway, if they had to ask then it's clear they can't see that I'm not. 


No matter how proud I know I should be of myself, there's always something that knocks my confidence. I'm not getting paid very much or I'm not going to the gym very much or I've put a few lbs on or I didn't wash the dishes last night (again). Life is very demanding and I am not best equipped for it and that is why I would like to know what the point is? If I can do my best and still be scraping through, what is the point? If I find myself feeling lower than low but people won't care if I tell them, what is the point? If the people I spend my time with see I'm low and don't care to help, what is the point? 


I sit here with my eyes half open, bags under them like great canyons, staring at the screen like some form of answer is going to pop out. There isn't one. This continuous cycle of self hatred and nothingness will persist throughout my life and lingers in every dark corner in front of me. 




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