I don't know where to start this really, so I'm going with - I don't know if I'm okay or not. This post probably isn't going to have much positivity and is just a way for me to vent my feelings. So, please don't continue if you're looking for a good read.
This year I've gained and lost so much.
I returned to work in February after a short break. I didn't think I was going to manage it, but I fought through the anxiety and still have my job now. I now hope that I have recovered most of the way with my work based anxiety. I'm also proud to say that my anxiety overall, has settled a lot.
In July an immediate family member suffered a relapse with Bipolar Disorder. This relapse destroyed my independence for a while. I became homeless, ended up living with my brother and unable to get to work. But even though I made it through 7 weeks with no home, job or money, and am now settled in my own home and happily back at work - it's left me with a big gap in my life.
Feeling disowned by such a close family member has hurt me so much. I will never forget sitting in my partner's car on the phone to my Dad, crying about how I can't come home and how everything is broken. I sat in the car for 20 or so minutes after that call, absolutely sobbing my heart out. I had never wanted to go home and get into my own bed, so much.
We eventually found our own home in the perfect place, with everything we wanted. We were so lucky. Since moving into our home I have returned to work and finally settled. But I've never felt so lonely.
Last week it was my 24th birthday - my partner had planned me a night out in town for a few drinks with some people we knew. I was very excited. I probably go out once or twice a year. I rarely get invited out anywhere and don't really have that many friends. So I was super eager to get out and let my hair down. But unfortunately, on Friday people started saying they couldn't come. My partner took me out on Saturday shopping, offering to buy me lots of lovely things. And the £400 Gucci earrings were very nice, but all I wanted was to have a night out with friends. In the end absolutely everybody let me down, and some just didn't turn up without explanation or apology. I was gutted.
Between Saturday evening and my birthday morning, I cried a lot. I love my partner to the moon and back, but when you feel like you've got no friends and not even your family care, it's really fucking hard. I sat in the shower and cried whilst he washed me. Hello there, rockbottom.
So the whole of last week I felt awful. I had that moment where one of the smallest of things triggers you to break. I'd had my hair dyed practically black and the next day someone in the pub told me I looked like a 'witch' followed by asking me if my boyfriend had fallen out with me, when I said no his response was 'well he will when he sees you like that.' And so I pretended to go and get a coffee and cried in my work's kitchen. Exhausted. Empty. Emotional. I honestly wanted to throw myself off a bridge.
I went to an interview on Friday morning which I don't think went all that well - cheers anxiety. I have another on Tuesday which I'm really eager to get right as I think I would find the job very rewarding. My current job is difficult to travel to without lifts and I'm fed up to the back teeth of relying on others. I really need a job that I can walk to and from and I could with this one.
I'm feeling more depressed than ever right now. I stare at the dirty dishes far too long, let the washing pile too high and over exhaust my supplies of dry shampoo. I just don't know what to do with myself any more. I see the people I went to school with travelling beautiful, hot countries, out partying until the sun rises and generally just being happy, successful people in their 20s. I can't even get people to come to the pub for my birthday - what did I get so wrong?
Please cross your fingers (and toes) for me for Tuesday. I really need some good luck.