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16 Feb / Work Anxiety

February 16, 2018

Today is my second shift at the pub, working as a waitress & bartender. The first one went quite well I think. Geoff, my boss, told me that he was very happy with how it went and that he was comfortable for me to work Sunday lunch with just him. So - I was praised. I had no anxiety whilst I was there and it went reasonably quick. 


Today I am working 5.30-10pm and even though I had no troubles before, I am very anxious. Probably equally or maybe even more anxious than I was on Monday. I just don't get it.


I keep asking myself what did I even do so wrong to have to continue suffering like this? It's absolute torture. 


I woke up in a positive mood - let the dogs out, made myself a green tea, did a morning meditation and then half an hour or so later my stomach dropped, I had a hot flush and suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to be sick. It just makes no sense?


I'm desperately trying to claw an independent life back and even when I think it's going well, I'm thrown these curveballs. I can only describe my mind & mental health as 'wobbly' right now because I've really no clue what even the next hour looks like. I might perk up and gain some confidence, I might end up crying in my bed and not eat for the rest of the day. 


I know working is overall a positive thing for me, because it's a progressive step. But, I think for me there's a fine line between it being positive for my mental health and detrimental.


Before when I worked as a letting agent and I didn't understand too much about what was happening to me, I kept pushing myself to go to work even though I had these awful anxiety attacks. I hoped that eventually I could persuade my mind that there was no real danger, but instead it made things so much worse. In all honesty, I don't think I've recovered from that breakdown and it was over 2 years ago now. 


I'm not ready to give up just yet, but just venting my thoughts and feelings for today. If anybody has any tips for working whilst suffering with anxiety & panic attacks I'd be so grateful for your advice. I want nothing more than to pick my life back up but it seems the walls around me are just getting higher and higher. 


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