I have to sit and write right now, because I'm currently being so tortured by my thoughts and I'm afraid I'm losing my mind.
First thing's first - if you don't understand anxiety and panic disorders, the fears and worries in this journal are very real to me and at times I've honestly felt death is far less scary. Yes, I feel pathetic. I feel ashamed, I feel stupid, I feel like a child, I feel worthless, I feel useless, I feel embarrassed, I feel like a massive burden to the people around me - but I just cannot help it.
So Monday I will be having my second therapy session at 3pm, and then a trial/first shift at a local pub at 5 until 8.30pm. I'm not sure it's ideal to have them both on the same day but I don't have the option to cancel either.
I had an informal interview with the owner of the pub on Tuesday this week and he has asked me to come in and see what I think. There has been far too much time between the interview and the shift and my thoughts are in absolute turmoil. I'm tossing and turning at night, I can't concentrate on anything else, I constantly feel sick and have a lump in my throat. My existence is currently based on waiting for this shift to happen.
I wish I could point out one reason why I'm so afraid, but I just don't have one. Taking a step back I know leaving the Letting Agents in 2015 so explosively has left a rather large mental wound, and scenarios like this rip that wound right open again. The emotions, fears and worries are so raw and real.
I'm afraid that I'm going to be bad at the job, I'm afraid I'm going to have a panic attack at work and that people will then judge me, think I'm stupid and all that. I'm afraid of being embarrassed. I'm afraid that I'll end up working incredibly unsociable hours and my partner will lose interest in me. I'm afraid I won't have enough time to look after myself. The list goes on.. and I'm torturing myself with constant 'what if's' trying to battle my subconscious fears with logic and common sense.
The shift itself isn't even what's fuelling the anxiety most. It's also the fact that it represents the beginning of a big change in my life that I don't know how to process or handle. I'm over-analysing a situation that hasn't even entered my life yet and I cannot turn off my mind. I literally want to smash my head against a wall. I'm so frustrated and restless.
Sure, I have the option NOT to take it if I don't feel it's right for me. But then I feel like I'm letting down the people around me, I'll feel like I've let myself down and I'll feel judged. And I'll also not be making any progress. My life is at a stand still, the gym let me down and I'm so very lost.
I'm so exhausted from this battle and I genuinely feel helpless. Why can't I just be normal? All I want to do is be able to get on with my life. I want to be able to spoil my boyfriend, I want to be able to buy myself nice make up and new clothes, I want to feel independent and be alive again.