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22 Nov / Why?

November 22, 2017

Trigger warning: This is may be a tough-to-read post for those struggling with their own mental health. Should you feel you are at any risk please do not read.

I'm currently at a really dangerous point with my mental health and I've nowhere to turn but this blank page. I'm tired of people saying that it will get better and that they know it's hard. They don't know what it's like being stuck in my head with the consistent mental pain that flows up and down my body.

 

My stomach twists and turns

my chest aches with sadness

my throat carrying a constant lump

my eyes are tired

my heart heavy

my mind playing a constant tape of whys.. 

 

Why should I get up?

Why should I shower?

Why should I brush my teeth?

Why should I eat?

 

What is the point?

 

Two years on from my breakdown and I don't feel like I'm making any progress at all. I'm a 23 year old adult living a teenager's life. I don't drive, I live with my parents, I work 9 hours a week. I have no level of independence and whilst I want it so much, I don't feel like I could even marginely handle it. I feel as though I'm letting everybody down around me and that they all glare down at me with judging eyes, as though I'm pathetic and need to grow up.

 

Why can I not just live a normal life like everybody else?

Why do I have to be like this? 

 

What did I do so wrong to deserve this?

 

I genuinely don't see the point of carrying on as I don't feel like things will ever lift up for me. What's the point of living a life like this? I can't pretend to be happy for ever. I can't live on my own like this. I can't stick a full time job like this. I can't raise a family like this. I can't be there for those around me like this.

 

I can't do anything.

 

 

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