If you've read my recent post Autumn & Winter, A Love-Hate Relationship, you'll know over the last couple of years I've struggled with my mental health much more during the colder months.
Now, I know things are never black and white with mental health, but lately I'm starting to get much more anxious as I feared I may do due to the seasons changing. I have been poorly over the last week or so, so that may have affected things also. But, I've been feeling really anxious about going to work - when there's truly nothing wrong with work at all. But this worry is usually the start of a very slippery slope for me.
I worked today but had a cry in bed this morning after waking up feeling sick and just overly worried. I can only compare the feeling to when I was a little girl and panicked & upset to leave my Mum when I went to school, sounds sad I know. In these moments I find it difficult to fight off tears, have a lump in my throat, feel sick, very hot (and usually a little sweaty), I get a stomach ache and find it very difficult to settle.
I guess I'm a little more prepared for it this year as I've come to realise that it could well be a pattern, but I still feel helpless as in these moments of anxiety and worry I don't know what to do at all.
I'm still on a waiting list for high intensity CBT after breaking down in my final counselling session this summer about how frightened I am of the coming months. I was given a minimum of three months waiting time - so I will receive counselling at the earliest; late December.
The thought of having to rebuild my life every year is soul-destroying, and it brings me that 'what's the point anymore?' attitude which is so damaging and dangerous, so hopefully this counselling and support comes sooner than expected.
I have considered that I suffer with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) but getting any kind of diagnosis is very difficult. My only official diagnosis is Generalised Anxiety Disorder. But I'm also well aware that I suffer with Depression and my previous counsellor said it's highly likely I suffer with Social Anxiety Disorder also. There are a lot of crossovers with mental illness also, so I think it's very difficult anyway.
I guess this post is really just to get some worries and thoughts out of my mind. I worry about work more than anything (as you may well know if you've read any of my other journal posts), and I'm worrying now especially as I've only really just got my job back and I don't want to let anybody down after they took me back in. Especially as my Manager was so apprehensive about giving me specific shifts in case things went bad again.
I feel so stupid, pathetic and useless.