I confess - things aren't always as they seem.
I write this post with an echo of sadness, because my self-esteem has suddenly dropped. This isn't uncommon for me. I have good days and I have bad days.. tonight is bad.
Yes, I'm a fitness instructor and yes I post photos/videos of myself in sports wear showing off my body. I do this for many reasons. One, I want to be able to build a career with my fitness knowledge and I have felt like if I didn't show the image of 'perfection' in relation to fitness and my body, then people wouldn't trust me or my experience and I wouldn't make any money - which I don't anyway. Secondly I need ego boosts and let's be honest, so do you.
However, the truth of these photos along with any other photos I take of myself is; they're usually the lucky 1 of 30 odd other images that weren't quite the right angle, you can see a bit of body fat or I pulled an ugly face, etc etc. I wonder how many photos of myself I've actually deleted over the years - it's probably into the thousands.
I'm a size 6, but yes I have cellulite, yes my legs wobble when I walk and yes my tummy isn't flat - as much as you think it might be. (Trust me I'm good at tensing and holding it all in.) But I have fallen in the trap of trying to appear perfect when I am nowhere near it. Whether you're a size 6, 16 or 26, nothing will ever look 'perfect'. And whilst I love the physical benefits of fitness, I'm mad with myself for becoming obsessed with them when my fitness journey started with my mental health.
I have no issues with people who wish to improve their appearance, especially through hard physical work. But I do think it's important to learn to feel comfortable in your own skin, which I do find hard at times.
I do think the blogging world is partly to blame for this. Bloggers are all in this strange competition to have the most followers and appear the most perfect with the most aesthetically pleasing life with the most beautiful make up and expensive clothes.... blah blah blah..... What a load of bullsh*t, seriously (sorry). Well done, you imprisoned yourself with an Instagram theme and forgot to show that you were human - who can relate to that? Nobody relates to perfection, it just provides them with envy.
I created this platform to help people, and to be relatable. I want people to know that I am human, that I am not perfect and I do not wish to be. I am on a journey to improve my mental & physical health and I want to be able to help others do so too. I am here to sit next to you as we achieve our goals, and not to become a fake person to envy.
Our goals should not contain how many followers we want, or how many likes we can get - they should be of happiness, contentment, and genuine enjoyment of life. I am going to try and focus on loving myself again, by not looking for boosts from other people and by trying to understand what I REALLY want.