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3 August / Up & Down

August 3, 2017


I've missed journalling on my blog like I used to. I find it such a good outlet for how I'm feeling and right now, I need to write.


I need to write because when I try to talk about what's going on, nothing comes out.


I sat there in my first counselling session (CBT) this week with a carefully constructed smile and an 'I'm fine' attitude, whilst she reeled off questions and asked me to fill out that questionnaire. I wasn't okay, but I'm so awful at letting that barrier fall, it's as though my subconscious stores away all my thoughts and feelings and in these moments I am a blank page. I couldn't let the emotions out if I wanted to, they just disappear.


I know I will enter and leave therapy each time, acting like it's fine. There's a strange sort of distance between myself and my mental illness when I actually talk about it. Like I owe it to everybody else to be okay. Like if I'm not, I should be ashamed. 


Every day is different for me right now, and it's exhausting. Some days I don't breathe fresh air, some days I'll go out in the car, socialise and have a great time. The former is currently taking gold, however.


I just can't knock the guilt. I'm always feeling guilty about my lack of an income and how that affects those around me. I've been so stressed about this today as although I'm back working at the gym, I only do 5 hours per week with an offer of 12 (over 2 days) - which obviously doesn't give me anything close to a liveable income. I just desperately want to live a normal life. 


My mind is constantly ticking over. I find it very difficult to settle in most situations because I always have this feeling that I should be doing something. Like most people are out on their 9-5's and I'm sat at home watching Pretty Little Liars and damn, I should be disgusted with myself. Most days that I feel this way I go to bed and go to sleep. I find this is the only way that I can truly shut off. I do enjoy going out and taking photos but unfortunately the weather's been shoddy and I've exhausted all accessible areas around me. 


I know my coping methods are unhealthy and I really need to face the intrusive thoughts and learn to quiet my mind, but I just don't know how. And I don't see any counsellor being able to help with this. Not that I am ungrateful, the lady who I will be doing therapy with was lovely. She suggested Exposure Therapy after I discussed each CBT method I'd tried, which were a few since this is the third time that I'm in therapy. I'm trying to remain positive about it though. 




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